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Grandma Maggie answers questions about parenting and childcare issues only. She is a mother of four girls and grandmother to two boys and two girls. Maggie is trained in early childhood education, and was the owner of a successful day care center for many years.
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Teens can get their questions answered on Grandma Maggie's other website, Ask-Anything.com.
My daughter is having a baby. The baby will call my mum (it's greatgrandmother) Nanny. The baby will call my daughter's mother-in-law Granny. My name is Lilbet and I want to be called something other than grandma since I'm 39. Can you suggest something, please?
Thanks!
Dear Grandma Maggie,
I am having a slight issue (or 2) with my mother-in-law. My husband and I have just recently found out that we are expecting our first child. We were married in 2007 and since then my mother-in-law has always stood her ground and said that we are just children and that we do not need children until we are in our mid to upper 20's, until we grow "mature". Now that we are expecting, and this is her first grandchild, she is being very pushy in a sense that she wants us to raise our child in a way that she raised hers. I do not agree one bit with the way she raised her children. She raised them in a way that she treated her oldest son as the one and only son and my husband was and still is the 2nd best and has mentioned more than once that my husband was her "unwanted" child.
Now she is "TELLING" me that she is going to quit her job and stay home to babysit my child. I DO NOT want my child to ever have to be in her care alone unless it is an emergency and I have no other choice. She has also pushed my husband into asking his brother, the one which he does not even get along with and the brother that has no respect or courtesy for anyone but himself, to become the godfather of our child. We had already had someone else in mind and now it is a big thing because I was not consulted on the opinion at all. I just don't know what to do anymore.
My husband is always trying to get some kind of greater approval from his mother that he never recieved before, but I don't want to push him away. I mean, this is our child and I don't believe that she should have a say so in any of our decisions, such as the name, because she absolutly HATES it. I just want to give my child a "stress-free" environment with many people who love him/her.
Please Help,
Makennah
This is a situation where your husband better be on the same page as you, or you are in for a life-long battle with his mother. It is to be understood that she raised her children and that he and you will have the same right beginning with the selection of both the child's name and his Godparents. This is HIS mother so it is up to him to settle this issue.
Now as for it being an adversarial relationship, it will take a bit of kindness from both of you. Once you are secure in your parenting and she "gets it" that will be much easier. You can listen to her and let her tell you how she did things. Your response can be, "Well that's very interesting". That doesn't mean you have to do the same thing, does it?
I think at times grandparents just want to be heard. Plus believe it or not, as different from you as they may seem at times, children do benefit from grandparental love and attention. So try to work things out. You and your husband are the parents. She is a grandmother. You make all the important decisions, and that is that.
I think it's time for your husband to step up to the plate.
My best,
Grandma Maggie
Hi Grandma Maggie!
I have a question coming from a big sister rather than a parent, but I'm hoping you'll regard it just the same. I was an only child until two years ago, when my sister Sophia was born. I was fourteen. While I do not undermine my mother and her boyfriend of five years as parents, I do act as sort of another parental figure to her, rather than the stereotypical sister. When she is around me, she's an angel. I have been much stricter with her than my mom has and, as a result, she never cries and is much more well-behaved while in my care.
Unfortunately, as a result of my mother's laxity, Sophie is completely the opposite with her. She cries if my mother even nears the door, and is a bit too quick to say "no" when told to do something. I know my mother has good intentions, but I want to know: What can she do to fix this? I figure if she continues with the way she handles situations with Sophie, it will just get worse. Any advice would certainly be welcome.
Thanks,
Stacia
All children need love and limits. The love helps them to grow and flourish. The limits help teach them to get along in society and also gives them a feeling of security. Without either, a child will push against the adults in the house until she or he gets what is needed. After all, she is too young to be in charge and she knows it!
It's very clear that Sophia does not do that with you because she gets what is needed when you are caring for her. Her behavior with your Mother will only get worse if she doesn't correct it now.
I don't know if you will be held in high regard if you tell your Mom how to handle her child, but here's some advice.
Your mom has to quietly tell Sophia that in "this house the adults are in charge". No yelling, just quiet authority. If Sopia says "no" then she gets time-out in a chair, one minute for each year of her life. Use a timer. If she gets out of the chair the timer starts again. When she spends 2 minutes in the time out chair, then your mother goes to her, tells her why she was there, asks for an apology and gives her a hug and thanks her.
Now I don't know how you are going to make your mother change her ways, but good luck!
GM
Hello Grandma Maggie,
I have a bit of a dilemma. I babysit a little girl across the street. Sometimes, she screams for hours. When she doesn't get what she wants, she also gets very whiney. My mother told me that when she has one of these "fits" to hold her over the toilet. I would think that her parents wouldn't want me to do that. So what should I do?
Thanks for your help,
Lexis
Please do not follow your mother's advice about holding this child over the toilet. That would be considered child abuse.
Here's a few things that might help. Talk to her mother and ask her what she uses when her child screams. I rather imagine she gives into her and that really is no help to the child. However if you choose to follow what that parent does, then do as they suggest, as long as it is not abusive.
I have found that if you have something planned each time you sit, that seems to catch their attention. Go to the local library and ask the librarian if there are any age appropriate books for kids her age who have tantrums. Ask for other good books that will catch this child's attention, not just ones with poor behavior. Reading to children is a wonderful activity.
As for the whining, here's something I tried with kids her age, when they weren't whining, of course. I said a sentence in a very whiny voice, such as the following, "Annie, I don't like to hear you talking like this, because it's hard to hear what you are saying." That's all. Then the next time she whines, tell her in a very gentle way. "Please use your regular voice so I can understand what it is that you want from me." It takes a bit of time and effort for this to pay off, but I guarantee it will.
I love a great baby sitter who contributes to the well-being of any child. I think you could be that sitter.
Good luck!
Grandma Maggie
Grandma:
My almost 3-year-old son has recently begun to have separation anxiety again. He separates fine at daycare (if I am the one who drops him off), but is terrified of my husband and I leaving him with anyone else.
Bedtime has also become a huge battle. My husband and I take turns putting him to bed. If my husband tries to put him down, he will scream for “Mommy” for 15 minutes and has a complete meltdown! Should I respond to his cries for me or should I just stay out of sight? It is heart wrenching to hear his cries for me, but I am afraid if I give in I will be the ONLY one who can put him to bed. My husband is understandably frustrated with my son’s preference for me and the on-going bedtime battles.
Thanks!
This is so typical of a child who is just learning to trust. Of course it means they are worried that if you leave, you may never come back, so your son has obviously bonded with you pretty strongly. It usually takes longer with the father if he is not left with him at times other than bedtime. I suggest you take an hour or two for yourself during the weekends and have dad be with his son at those times. Then each time you come back tell your son, "See? We always come back even if we go away for a while."
Keep the bedtime routine as it is, but try this. In the morning tell your son, "When you were sleeping last night, I came in and checked to see that you were ok. Mommy and Daddy take turns doing that, just like we take turns putting you to bed." Don't overdo it. Once each morning might be enough until he is accepting of both of you alternating bedtime, and this might take a while.
Remember, it's only a battle if you treat it like one.
Good luck!
Grandma Maggie
Hello,
I am Eva, the mother of a now-6-year old son named Benji. Since my husband and I are planning on moving to my homeland of France in the near future, we are raising Benji to speak both French and English. I carry out conversations with him mostly in French, and my husband in English, although in public we mostly speak English for the sake of being polite.
The problem is, although when my husband and I speak with him he is equally fluent to each of us, around his classmates and friends he is more introverted and prefers speaking to fellow French-speakers. Although we have taught him the basics of French culture and practice some of these customs in our home, we still stress that he will be living in America for a few more years and that he should respect the American culture as long as he lives here. His teachers have reported he is slow in his vocabulary learning, although my husband finds this is not the case with him, and that he will often blurt out phrases in French instead of English while in the midst of a game or stimulating activity.
As long as he is here in America, we want him to be as comfortable speaking English as his father is (I write and read fluently, although I speak with an accent). Does this mean I should stop speaking exclusively French in private and start incorporating more English when I speak with him, my husband, and on the phone? Besides this issue, our son is socially capable and developmentally on track. My best friend has a son who speaks French, too, and they both visit each other's houses on weekends. Should I slow down these visits and encourage more English-language relationships?
Eva
I think you should not worry so much about this and allow him to do what is comfortable for him. He will eventually do as his parents do or what gets him through social situations that demand one language or another.
You and your husband have given your son an advantage by helping him to speak two languages. It will be a life-long benefit, but for now let him be in control of how he uses it.
Sincerely,
Grandma Maggie
Grandma Maggie is not a medical professional and writes purely from her own experience as a mother, grandmother and caregiver. Her advice is her opinion only, and should only be taken as one woman's opinions, which may not be appropriate for everyone. Each situation merits its own evaluation. If seeking medical advice, please call your family pediatrician.
Your grandchild and you will figure out a name to use together. You are wise to start thinking about it now, because you will come up with a name that is acceptable to you. The name doesn't really matter to the child as long as you foster that relationship. Here's my suggestion. How about starting with the name Lili? Because Ls are hard for kids to say and I can see that turning into a sweet pet name for you, like yeeyee.
Enjoy that child!
Grandma Maggie