Dear Maggie:

My four year old son Dominic has just started pre primary and I have a two month old daughter at home as well. My three year old son Tristian adores his big brother and the boys have always been close. Now Dom is at school Tristian seems to miss his brother so much. He doesn't seem to play as much and constantly wants me to entertain him and as much as I love playing with my children i have so many things to do on top of taking care of Riley. Do you have any suggestions to help smooth the transition?

Thanks,
Shae

Dear Shea:

Both your boys are transitioning to new experiences. Dom is in school and might be slowly realizing he is no longer the adored big brother and Tristian has lost his best friend for part of the day. I think if perhaps you give T some extra time when the baby is sleeping, maybe just read one book, it might help. You could also sit with him and pop in a DVD when you are feeding Riley.

Also you could have Tristian color a picture and aim it towards making it for his brother. When Dom comes home tell him, "You know Tristian misses you when you are at school. We all do." Then that's enough. Make it short and sweet and verbalize what might be happening for both of them.

In fall, Tristian will probably be going off to pre-school also and then the problems will be different but still there. I know you'll make it.

Good luck,
GRandma Maggie

Dear Grandma Maggie,

Is it always right to allow the father time with his child? My son is almost 18 months and his father has seen him about 5 times over the last year. He has threatened to kidnap my son and I just don’t feel comfortable letting him have time with my son. He was very abusive (verbally) to me while I was pregnant and for 5 months after our son was born. I have always felt as though a father should have rights but now I really don’t feel that way at all since he has threatened to kidnap him at least 4-5 times. His father doesn’t pay any support to meand never has supported his son in any way. I am just wondering if it is right of me to keep my son away from this person who really has never been a father to my son. Will there long lasting issues with my son?

Thank you,
Concerned Single Parent


Dear Friend,

In cases of an absent parent, I usually counsel to allow the biological parent to see the child whenever they wish because I consider it best for the child. However, because of the threats he has made to kidnap your son I think it might not be the safest thing to do. What are your options?
I think you should speak to a police officer and tell him/her what your baby's father is threatening. Ask them what they think is best for both of you. They might suggest supervised visits, or perhaps no visits at all, I'm really not sure.

As far as financial support, he is expected to contribute financially to his child's life, but that, too must be put into effect legally.

First take care of the threats by talking to a police officer who specializes in domestic problems as I see that as the most important issue at this time.

I wish you the best.
Grandma Maggie

Dear Maggie:

My 11 year old step-daughter has been very very rude to me. She seems to think that I tore her apart from her mother and sister when I came into the picture. I do not wish for her to think that and I would ever want to ruin her special bond with her mother. I just want her to like me and accept the fact that I am not here too ruin her life. Another thing she just lost her grandmother around the same time I came into the picture, could this be the trigger of her emotion toward me?

From,
Claire

Dear Claire,

The loss of her grandmother plus what she possibly sees as the loss of her father and the family break-up might all be laid on you at this time by this unhappy child. I think her dad needs to step in and tell her that in your home she needs to be polite to you no matter what her feelings are. You are his wife and you both want her to part of your lives but you also demand that she be civilized while she is there. He can ask her how she would feel if you treated her in the same manner as she is treating you. And if she acts up, don't be afraid to tell her that her yourself that her behavior is unacceptable and no one is allowed to treat you in this way. Do it calmly and gently, and also give her time. Once she sees that you are not trying to be her mother, but just a special friend, she might grow out of this reaction if not pushed.

You might also try your local library or Amazon.com for books on blending families.

My best,
Grandma Maggie

Dear Grandma Maggie,

I am a sophomore in high school, and babysit frequently to make money. I babysit for the children of my next door neighbors very often, usually twice a week or more. They have three little girls; ten year old Bridget,eight year old Zoe, and five year old Kate. I get along with all of the girls, and they are always excited for me to babysit them. When I babysit for the girls, I try to give each one equal amounts of attention, whether they are doing things together or separately. When the girls are all doing separate activities, Bridget and Kate don't mind if I leave them alone for a while to spend time with one of their sisters. However, as of a few months ago, Zoe absolutely refuses to let me leave her side.

At first, Zoe would simply follow me around the house to wherever I went, which I didn't mind. However, over the months she has developed the idea that if I spend time separately with one of her sisters, it means that I like them better than her. I have no problem including Zoe in activities, but sometimes I need to be with one of her sisters alone. For example, I usually have to help Bridget with homework, and she cannot concentrate with her little sister around, nagging me to play with her. Also, when I play with Zoe and one of her sisters together, she always tries to get me to pay the most attention to her. If I go over to talk to Bridget or Kate, she grabs me or jumps in front of me to get my attention. If I am ever not paying attention to Zoe, she complains that I prefer her sisters to her, and has even cried over it.

I do not know what is causing Zoe's necessity for my undivided attention, and I don't know how to stop it. I have tried nicely saying things like, "Zoe, I played dolls with you for half an hour, now I am going to go play with Kate for a while. You can join us if you want, but I won't be able to focus only on you," but then she gets upset and sulky, and will go tell her mother that I am ignoring her. I like babysitting this family and need the money I earn, but lately Zoe's attitude has just been getting out of hand. What should I do? Thanks for your help!

-Ella S.

Dear Ella,

I think Zoe is suffering from middle-child-itis, and it's common with this age if you have both an older and a younger sibling.

I want you to try this. When you need to be with one of her sisters alone, tell her something along these lines, "I am going to be helping Bridget now with homework. I want you to bring in the timer and we will set it for one half hour. During that time pick out and plan what you want to do when it's our turn to be together. But here's the thing. If you bother us it will take longer and I will have to take that time from our time together." You will have to be consistent and do this so Zoe knows there are consequences to her actions. Once she catches on and manages to do this reinforce her behavior with "Good job. Now it's your time." Try not to concentrate on the fact you can't be with her, but focus on her planning what you will do together. Sometimes words are triggers for reactions whether felt or not, and it becomes a habit.

Good luck to you and those fortunate children who have you in their lives.
Grandma Maggie

Dear Grandma,

My son will be 2 in April of this year and he doesn't talk much at all. He does say the occasional word like Mama, Dada, and he will try to say other things but most of the time he will speak in baby gibberish. Is there any point I should start worrying about my son not talking? Lately when he points to an object I am trying to encourage him to at least try to say what it is before I give him the object. I did bring this subject up to his pediatrician before and at the time he didn't seem concerned.

Thanks,
Michelle


Dear Michelle,

First, if you haven't already, ask your pediatrician if your son should have a hearing test. If not, ask him when that would be appropriate.

I had a brother-in-law who didn't speak much until he was over three years old and later earned a PhD. Einstein was a late talker. I think these kids are more thoughtful and reflective, or really have nothing much to say.

For slow talkers, I suggest that you NOT ask them to repeat words, but play their day out verbally for them.

Example: Today we are going to put on your jeans with this red tee-shirt. Now let's find some red socks to go with it." Kids usually say what they hear so they must be shown. If you are out and about, tell him what you see and use a lot of adjectives in describing it.

You say that at this point your doctor is not concerned. I think it's important for him to know when you are. Your child's health is a collaboration and you must communicate what you see and when you have concerns.

Kindest regards,
Grandma Maggie

Grandma,

Please help. Our 20 month year old daughter will not sleep through the night in her crib. My wife and I can get her to start the evening in her crib; however, after about 2 hours, she will wake up and we are unable to get her to sleep back in her crib. How can we get her to sleep through the night in her crib? Is it still too early in her child development to worry about this, or is there something that needs to get done?

Thank You,
Rob and Julie

Dear Rob and Julie,

It's never too early to worry when you are a parent!

Keeping a child in their own bed takes discipline and consistency...mostly for the parents.
You must do all the soothing in the bed and not give the child anything to eat when she wakens. If she gets out of the crib herself, then I recommend changing her to a big girl bed so she doesn't hurt herself. Each time she gets out you walk her back with one or two words like "sleepy time" or "night, night.".= You sit on the floor (but don't talk) until she falls asleep again. Then you leave. You start next to the bed then each night after that you move closer to the door. After what seems like years, but in reality is more like a week or even less, the retraining should be complete.

Good luck,
Grandma Maggie

Grandma,

I was 23 when I got pregnant after the doctors had told me for years it was impossible. But my fiancé at the time thought I lied and left me. I was in a relationship through half my pregnancy until about a week ago and I don’t know whether I should continue calling the second man daddy? He says he wants to be in her life, but he has two other children from a previous marriage that he rarely sees. His track record for taking care of his children isn’t very good. Should I trust him to stick around?
Thanks,
Abigail’s Mommy


Dear Friend,

Never muddy the waters with your child. Be honest and upright from the beginning and that includes calling NO ONE but her biological father Daddy, whether he is in her life or not. Between her biological father and her supposedly substitute father I would trust neither to be there when you need them. Just trust yourself. Have her call any male in your life by his first name only. Don't force a relationship that doesn't exist. It is not the name one uses but the way the relationship is carried out.

Good luck.
GRandma Maggie

Dear Grandma Maggie:

Hi my name is Fallon and I'm the 23-year-old mother of two baby boys. My older one is 2-years-old and my little guy is 1. I have two problems that I think I'm going to need your help with. My older one is in the middle of potty training. Now he is completely potty trained at daycare but when he gets home he doesn't let us know he needs to go to the bathroom. Now I should probably inform you that he's not really talking yet but he still at least stands by the teacher and lets her know when he has to go potty. There is a few times he will go at home, when someone can catch it. And we do show him how happy we are by dancing around and calling him a big boy and everything but it's just not consistent. What can I do to help him go at home on a regular basis? My other problem is simply this: they don't sleep in their own beds. My little one will at least fall asleep in his bed but he eventually ends up with me sometime during the night. And my older one is not even interested in lying down in his bed at all. If I try to put him in his bed he freaks out, he starts throwing his tantrums until I finally give in and allow him to sleep with me. What can I do to put my boys to sleep in their bed and make sure they stay in there all night? Please help, I haven't had a full night's sleep in 3 years.

Dear Friend,

The answer to children sleeping in their own room is to tell them that each time they come into your bed, they will be taken back to their bed. Then you must do it consistently, and not even cave once. Put him in, let him freak out and you sit on the floor a few feet from the bed. Tell him once, "It's bedtime" and then do NOT engage in any conversation with him except to say the word "bedtime" once or twice. If he gets out of bed, put him back. I don't know if you have noticed but you are quite a bit larger than a two year old. You are also the parent and set the rules. If you have confidence you need not yell but just be firm and consistent. I wish you the best.

Grandma Maggie

Hi Grandma Maggie,

I am expecting my third grand-baby next July and we are hoping that it is a little girl. My first granddaughter's name was SarahAshley Lynn and I would like to see if you can help me with a name to pick out for this one. I found a few in the list of names, but I want something that is special because I don't know if I will be able to be at the birth of this one or not. If you could give me some advice I sure would appreciate it.

Thanks,
Kimberley, a Proud Grandma

Dear Kimberly,

I am going to give you some good advice and I hope you take it. The name should be one that both parents love with no input from anyone else, particularly grandparents. The grandparents got to name their babies, now it's the parents' turn. Your job is to be elated with your grandchild, no matter the gender or what that child will be named by it's parents. This is the best gift you could ever give your daughter.

Kindest regards,
Grandma Maggie

Dear Grandma Maggie,

I am pregnant with quadruplets! My husband and I cannot believe it. I was worried before that my four-year-old daughter, Peyton, would have adjustment issues with one new baby, but four? This house is going to be crazy! She is a sweetheart. She has no behavior issues, or anything like that -- I'm just worried. Before I thought it will only change a bit, so we won't have any major issues to worry about. But she is going to be kind of alone. When the babies get older it will be the quadruplets and then just Peyton. Any advice?

Thanks so much,

Lorraine

Dear Friend,

What do you mean, "and then just Peyton?" This shows that your expectations are such that Peyton will be ignored and this doesn't have to happen. When any relatives or friends ask what you want as a baby gift, tell them that you want time with Peyton. If it's only a half hour to take her for an ice cream cone, then do it. You and your husband must make all five of the children your priority and that's hard to do, I know, but Peyton is part of those five. You can also include her in chores that concern the babies and praise her for the help she offers. "Thank you, Peyton. You are a big help and I appreciate it." Talk about when she was a baby. Talk about what she likes now. Talking is something you can do while you are doing other things. Tell her the birth of the quads makes you remember when she was born and how sweet it was to have her. Don't overdo it, but try to get one or two of the Peyton stories in each day.

If you can connect with other parents of multiples, that would also help you with some of the problems you are about to face. Try now to do some searching for those groups so you will be prepared when the time comes.

Good luck!
Grandma Maggie

Hi Grandma:

I am 7 months pregnant with a baby boy and I just really need some advice on what to do. My son's father and I didn't work out at all. He left me when I was 3 months pregnant, yet every now and then he wants to be a dad and he will go buy his son something, but then he says that he's not his child. What do I do? I just want to give up, because it hurts me so bad that he would say something like that. I don't want to put my son in that situation, to be around a person that doesn't care about him. I need some advice please.

Thank you,
Ashlee


Dear Ashlee,

The first obligation you have is not to worry about your hurt, but to protect your child. I suggest you get a DNA testing on your son and his father so that the man cannot deny parentage. Next he has financial obligations to any child who is his, and you must have that put in place legally. Always leave the door open for this young man to spend time with his son but insist he behaves appropriately and says nothing that could hurt the boy. You are not the only single parent, and it's a really hard job. However, now that you are having a baby, that baby must come first, my dear.

Let me know how it goes.

My best,
Grandma Maggie

Hi there!

It's great to find your resources. I have an 11 day old baby girl (Annabelle). This is our first child (my husband and I) and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I had a C-section last week & I'm still recovering. It's frustrating when you can't 'do' as much as you like, though usually I do it anyway because I don't want to miss out!

However, that's besides the point. I noticed yesterday while feeding her she had flaky skin around her ankles, wrists. Now this morning I noticed she'd got it all over her tummy. I was planning on giving her a sponge bath this afternoon or evening, and didn't want to dry her out anymore.

Is baby lotion safe? Baby oil seems to 'oily' for me, but if that's what it takes... Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you so much!
Lori

Lori, my dear,

First babyitis is hard to beat. We Mamas want to do it all. Newborns often have flaky skin while adjusting to this new world they are in. Using baby lotion on a child this young is safe as long as it's fragrance-free.

Also, try not to make demands on yourself to participate in everything you "used to do." Better for both of you that you spend this time rocking and cuddling Annabelle as much as possible. Do you understand how often an older sister (me) would love to just hold one of their babies and do some serious rocking and snuggling once again? These are the important things, my dear.

With envy,
Grandma Maggie

PS: Please also bring your concern to your pediatrician so that s(he) may address whatever health and skin worries that you may have!

Dear Grandma Maggie,

I have a daughter who is 12. She is in the sixth grade. The three of us (my husband, my daughter and I) decided that we would try to have another baby. My daughter is learning in science about where babies come from and all that, so she understands the process. Unfortunately, I just found out we failed. I had a miscarriage. My husband and I are so upset. It is heartbreaking. My daughter should know that she will not be having a little brother/sister, but I don’t know how to tell her. I mean, how do you tell your twelve-year-old daughter (after she admitting feeling a bit lonely at times, and that she wanted a little sibling) that you had a miscarriage? It’s hard enough for my husband and me to deal with it, but a child? Please give me some advice.

Thank you.
Cindy


Dear Friend,

First let me offer you my condolences for your loss. Next, I think you must tell you’re twelve year old immediately that you had a miscarriage and there will be no baby in the near future. She also needs to feel the loss before she can get beyond it. I want to make one more suggestion. I think it's important that you mention that one child does not ever replace another, but you are so glad you had her and the joy of her birth with no complications. If either of you cry, so be it. Tell her you know how she feels. Handling this thoroughly at this time will help your daughter learn coping life skills that will be helpful for her throughout her lifetime.

Blessings on all of you.
Grandma Maggie

Dear Grandma,

I can't seem to get my mother-in-law to back off and respect my parenting skills and religion. I'm of one religion and happy about it. She has left this religion and is now Born-Again. All she wants is my daughter to follow in her religion and do the very thing she does best: hurt people with a book. How do I tell her that it’s not a weapon?

Help!


Dear Friend,

It's not your job to educate your mother-in-law. Your job is to give your own child religious training if that's how you want to have her grow up. But let's face it, many kids adopt a new religion when they are adults, or leave the one that they were raised in.
However, it is kind to respect all religions and not degrade them by saying rude things about them. If your mother-in-law starts in, just say to your daughter, "You know Grandma believes in one religion and we believe in another. What I want you to know is it's important to respect everyone's choices." And I would say it in front of your mother-in-law.

If she continues, you and your husband will have to discuss this. It's his mother so he should be the one to tell her discussing religion is out of the question because of her attitude and if she cannot be quiet about her choices you will have to limit her time with your child. That would really be sad. Kids need all the love they can get from every side. What they don't need is to be exposed to bigotry.

Kindest regards,
Grandma Maggie