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My Dream Big Christmas List 2013
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A minimum of 6 uninterrupted hours of sleep nightly.

Showers uninterrupted by toddlers opening the stall door to throw things at me, ask questions, or chat.

Bathroom breaks uninterrupted by toddlers grabbing paper and running out the door, flushing at will, and/or asking questions or chatting.

Full accord and agreement on the Temper Tantrum Resolution proposed early 2013. As we were all reminded this morning when there was only one discarded ukulele string for two children to share, the perimeters of this resolution are reasonable. I hope the spirit of the season will provide the final push that any holdout parties need (Otis, 4) to put this incredible resource into action once and for all.

A full moratorium on head hair loss and shoulder hair growth.

A sous-chef to help with menu planning and shopping, mise-en-place and service. Should also note that I will never relinquish Executive Chef position, so there will be no advancements in this kitchen, but could be a great learning experience, mostly for me.

A cleaning staff, thrice weekly, to manage toilets, dishes, floors, windows, surfaces and laundry.

A deep cleaning staff unafraid to take my steam vac and steam cleaner out for a trot, degrease the grill, bleach the grout, clean the inner workings of the dishwasher, steam treat the carpet pads, brush stray grinds from the burrs of our the coffee grinder; service should also include complete descaling the tea kettle, the dishwasher, the washing machine, the baby cook and (ideally) the hot water heaters.

An on-call refinisher to deal with the myriad dings, stains, scratches and rips applied by youths to our furnishings.

Personal banker, preferably (and ironically) named Charles Pennywise, to deal with accounts payable, accounts receivable, and all matters postal.

A well of patience so deep and profound that children and adults alike are drawn into it as though my being manifests in this world as a black hole of calm understanding.

True empathy for the pains of childhood (related to previous, so please, if getting one, get both).

The ability to metabolize beer, wine and occasional spirits in a way that still provides the pleasant, euphoric effects but completely obliterates all toxins from said substances and converts all carbohydrates to pure energy which I’m able to access and utilize at strategic times throughout the day.

A prescription for the “Limitless” drug Bradley Cooper took in the film “Limitless.” If this drug is indeed fictional (have not seen “Limitless”), prescription for the drug the fictional drug is based on. If prescriptions too dangerous or impossible to get, prescription for testosterone replacement therapy and human growth hormone treatments, as well as related literature as to dangers of these therapies and treatments. Bare minimum – vitamin B12 injections, chiropractic adjustments, accupuncture and massage therapy, all weekly.

I think that’s about it. You can email my wife, Elizabeth, if you want to get me something from this list and she’ll strike it out to prevent doubles. Thanks, all!